The Double-Edged Sword of Hope and Hopelessness

In February of 2016, I made the colossal mistake of falling in love with one of my best friends after inviting him to dinner a couple of times at my house.  We continued to see each other on average a couple or 3 times a month for most of last year, and the more time I spent with him the deeper my feelings grew.  I kept my feelings hidden for fear of scaring him off, but I kept hoping hoping hoping that the relationship would deepen and that we would become a couple.  Then in October he told me he was seeing someone, whom he described as having an instant connection with, and my hopes for a relationship were shattered.  I finally confessed my feelings to him that night.

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's came and went.  We met for a drink or dinner (at his invitation) a couple of times near Christmas and early January and I believed he was no longer seeing the woman.  It turned out he was, but for various reasons I found out later it wasn't going well.  Finally in March of this year he told me was no longer seeing her.  He did tell me however, in his words, that he was "dating".  He's dating, apparently, anyone but me.  He knows how I feel and he knows what I want.  And it hurts a lot, because it makes me feel that he thinks I'm not worthy to be seen in public with him.  And yet, I still love him, still want him, still would give anything to be his lady.

There is no greater pain, no greater torment in the world than unrequited love.  When you ache for the presence of someone who has your heart, when your every waking thought is of him, when you sometimes want to be with him so badly you can actually see his smile, hear his laugh, feel his arms around you, taste his kiss...

How does one deal with these feelings?  Busying oneself at work and at home, working on projects long planned, reading, sleeping (although sometimes he creeps into your dreams), spending time with friends and/or family…all work fairly well until those moments when it’s quiet and you are alone with your thoughts and your memories.  It’s then that the depression, the hopelessness, the sadness envelope you, and you feel like the world's biggest fool.

I pray about this regularly, that God will open his heart to me.  If that isn't God's plan, if God has someone else in mind for me, then I pray to Him to help me deal with these feelings of love, longing, and constant disappointment. 

And yet still....I hope.  And I can't stop hoping.  Crazy, yes.  But I can't stop hoping.