The Double-Edged Sword of Hope and Hopelessness

In February of 2016, I made the colossal mistake of falling in love with one of my best friends after inviting him to dinner a couple of times at my house.  We continued to see each other on average a couple or 3 times a month for most of last year, and the more time I spent with him the deeper my feelings grew.  I kept my feelings hidden for fear of scaring him off, but I kept hoping hoping hoping that the relationship would deepen and that we would become a couple.  Then in October he told me he was seeing someone, whom he described as having an instant connection with, and my hopes for a relationship were shattered.  I finally confessed my feelings to him that night.

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's came and went.  We met for a drink or dinner (at his invitation) a couple of times near Christmas and early January and I believed he was no longer seeing the woman.  It turned out he was, but for various reasons I found out later it wasn't going well.  Finally in March of this year he told me was no longer seeing her.  He did tell me however, in his words, that he was "dating".  He's dating, apparently, anyone but me.  He knows how I feel and he knows what I want.  And it hurts a lot, because it makes me feel that he thinks I'm not worthy to be seen in public with him.  And yet, I still love him, still want him, still would give anything to be his lady.

There is no greater pain, no greater torment in the world than unrequited love.  When you ache for the presence of someone who has your heart, when your every waking thought is of him, when you sometimes want to be with him so badly you can actually see his smile, hear his laugh, feel his arms around you, taste his kiss...

How does one deal with these feelings?  Busying oneself at work and at home, working on projects long planned, reading, sleeping (although sometimes he creeps into your dreams), spending time with friends and/or family…all work fairly well until those moments when it’s quiet and you are alone with your thoughts and your memories.  It’s then that the depression, the hopelessness, the sadness envelope you, and you feel like the world's biggest fool.

I pray about this regularly, that God will open his heart to me.  If that isn't God's plan, if God has someone else in mind for me, then I pray to Him to help me deal with these feelings of love, longing, and constant disappointment. 

And yet still....I hope.  And I can't stop hoping.  Crazy, yes.  But I can't stop hoping.

New Frontiers and a Welcome Reunion

My friend Heidi and I knew the first time we ever chatted on the phone, before we ever met face-to-face, that we were destined to be good friends.  She is a traveling physical therapy assistant and had been assigned a 3-month job here in Craven County and was looking for a place to live short-term. I had advertised for a roommate on Craig’s List and she answered it.

It’s rare that one finds someone who they immediately feel a rapport with, and once we did meet, it was all over but the shouting. She asked after about 15 minutes, “So is it okay if I go ahead and move in?” and I enthusiastically welcomed her into my home.

During her very short stay with me, we became close friends. We had fun, we laughed, we talked, we bonded, and we supported each other. Heidi also became good friends with my sister Lynne. When it came time for her to leave, I choked back my tears, told her how much I would miss her and wished her well, and we both vowed to stay in touch. And we have kept that vow.

So recently the opportunity came up for me to cash in some travel rewards points, and I called Heidi and we made arrangements for me to come and visit her. She is currently on assignment in Tallahassee, Florida.

As the time approached for my mini-vacation, I was excited, not only to visit my friend, but also because I had never been to Florida before. Plus it had been a stressful few months in my life and I was ready to get away.

Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder
Wednesday I left work after a short day and headed home to pack. I am the world’s worst over-packer and this time was no exception. My suitcase was too heavy, my carry-on duffle was too heavy, and my purse was too heavy. Plus I had decided to take my laptop with me. After dropping Emma off at my sister's around 5:00 I was finally on the road to Raleigh.

I arrived at my hotel on Wednesday evening, checked in, made arrangements for the airport shuttle the next morning and also for leaving my car in the parking lot while I was away, and after grabbing a quick supper at Wendy's across the street, I settled into my room. As I was unpacking my pj's I discovered that sometime during the trek back and forth from my car to the hotel I had managed to lose a pair of reading glasses (luckily I brought an extra pair just in case because I can’t read anything without them). I was too keyed up to sleep, so I read until I felt sleepy. By then it was past midnight.

Most of you who know me know I am NOT a morning person. So on Thursday I dragged myself out of bed at 4:15 a.m. to catch the 5:30 shuttle to the airport. There was no time for breakfast but I did grab some coffee and a (very) small Danish from the hotel continental breakfast bar. The shuttle arrived on time and a very pleasant Asian gentleman who spoke almost no English and I were the only passengers.

The airport is a fascinating place for people watching. A bustling sea of humanity, in all shapes, sizes, ages, and colors, running to and fro, some smiling, some scowling, some harried, some relaxed. I was really enjoying the show when it suddenly occurred to me that I had forgotten to pack my Dramamine. Uh oh. This oversight would haunt me later. More about that in a minute.

My 7:00 a.m. flight to Charlotte was full and we were packed in like sardines in a tin. The couple who was seated in the other 2 seats next to me were really nice though,which made the trip a little more pleasant. When our plane landed in Charlotte, at gate B5, I looked at my boarding pass and realized I had less than 30 minutes to get to the opposite side of the terminal to gate E13 to catch my connecting flight to Tallahassee. All while carrying my *heavy* carry on, and my *heavy* bag containing my laptop and my *heavy* purse. I barely managed to make it…they were boarding group 8 (I was in group 6) when I hurried up to the gate, out of breath. Mental note to self:  No more excuses...START EXERCISING!!

After boarding was closed it was obvious that the plane was not full, and the pilot announced that if any passenger wanted to switch to an empty more preferred seat we were allowed to do so. I managed to grab a seat right behind business/first class with boucoup leg room. SCORE! The cherry on the sundae was that my neighboring passengers were 3 very lovely and lively African-American ladies close to my age and we just had so much fun chatting and laughing, plus we were offered refreshments. Bottom line: this flight was MUCH more pleasant than the Raleigh-to-Charlotte one had been. Confession time: I enjoyed a Coke for the first time in over a year. No I don't feel guilty and I savored every last sip.

At 10:15 my flight landed in Tallahassee, and while I was waiting for my only checked bag I texted Heidi that I had arrived.  The Tallahassee airport is surprisingly small, even though the city is Florida’s capital.   Heidi arrived to pick me up and after some heartfelt hugs and greetings she drove me to her place. She had to go back to work and since I had been up since 4:15 and was exhausted, I promptly passed out and slept for 4 hours.

Did Anyone Catch the License Plate of the Semi that Hit Me? 
That evening Heidi cooked dinner for us, and afterwards made our favorite cocktail. We settled in for an evening of vanilla martinis and a movie - The Nice Guys starring Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling, and after that, 2 episodes of a show on CW called Jane the Virgin. Just like old times!  However, when Heidi was living with me, we drank our vanilla martinis out of regular martini glasses. Since Heidi didn’t have any martini glasses, she had to serve the drinks in *red wine* glasses, and rather large ones at that. In other words, glasses that held about 3 times the amount of vanilla martinis than we were used to. I had 1½ glasses, about the equivalent of 3½ martinis. Now at this point I need to mention that vanilla martinis - at least the ones Heidi and I drink - are made with 3 main ingredients, all alcoholic: vanilla vodka, vanilla liquer, white creme de cacao, and just a splash of half and half. In short…Charlene got absolutely HAMMERED. I remember most of The Nice Guys, *some* of the first episode of Jane the Virgin, and *none* of the second episode. At some point during the festivities Heidi’s daughter Chelsea arrived home from work and I greeted her, and I *think* I hugged her but I can't be sure. I finally stumbled to bed when I realized I could barely hold my head up and not from being sleepy. And I paid for it on Friday.

On Friday we all slept late and I woke up feeling like there was a tight steel band around my head that was slowly squeezing until it felt like my brain was going to leak out of my ears. I did manage to make myself a light breakfast and Chelsea made coffee, and she and I planned to do a little shopping and have a look around Tallahassee. 

As I was showering and getting dressed all of a sudden the spins hit.

And almost immediately after that came the nausea.

So instead of shopping and the other fun activities Chelsea and I had planned, I spent the rest of the day lying on the futon in the living room, chatting with Chelsea, feeling sick as a dog and absolutely hating myself.  I asked if there was any Dramamine in the house – there wasn’t, but there were some natural ginger chews that are supposed to relieve nausea. I chewed 2 of them and...nada. No relief from the nausea at all. Chelsea volunteered to go and get some Dramamine and I stayed on the futon until she got back, and once she did, I took 2 right away. Unfortunately I discovered later that the “natural” Dramamine formula – capsules containing only ginger – does not work very well for me.

Meanwhile, Heidi got home in the early afternoon and we packed to leave for her brother John’s house in Spring Hill, about 3½ hours south, where we planned to stay for the rest of the weekend. We did stop at Kohls for a little shopping and lunch at a little burger place, then it was off to Spring Hill. The stop and go traffic in Tallahassee did absolutely nothing for my queasy stomach, but I managed to hold on. Once we actually got out of traffic and onto the 4 lane highway, I finally started feeling a little better. However I asked Heidi to stop at the first drug store we came to…I was in search of some REAL Dramamine, the original stuff. We found a Walgreen’s and the Dramamine, I literally dry-swallowed two of the tablets and we were off again. We got to John’s around 9:30 or so, and I was happy and excited to meet him, his roommate Tim, and Heidi’s mother Penny. I also met and squealed over John and Tim’s dogs, Buddy, a 10-year old Shih Tzu, Milo, and Bella, the youngest and a spitfire, a real little diva, who reminded me a lot of my Emma. Finally feeling like myself again, I was happy to be in the company of these wonderful folks. We sat on the lanai in the cool Florida evening, enjoying the fresh air, great conversation and laughter until late.

They Don’t Call it the Sunshine State for Nothin’
Saturday we slept late.  We packed for our trip to Caladesi Island, which is only accessible via ferry. It was a picture-perfect day, and we spent it relaxing on the uncrowded beach, soaking up the sun enjoying the gorgeous white sand and aqua water, until we had to catch the ferry back at 6:00.

While we were waiting for the ferry this lovely couple and their son were among those waiting, and the husband was playing music. The wife, who was from New York and Puerto Rican, requested a salsa song, and she, Heidi’s mom Penny and I wound up dancing the salsa, right there on the deck.

We arrived back at John’s, and after dinner and showering, Heidi and I decided we wanted to go out and look for a place to go dancing. We decided to try a place called Monti McGill’s, which usually has live music on Saturday night. Unfortunately this particular night there was no band. Heidi and I had some drinks and decided to head home as we were both pretty tired. Since John, Tim and Penny all sleep late I said my goodbyes to everyone and went to bed.

Homeward Bound
On Sunday Heidi and I were up early (again!), at 5:15, for the 3½ hour drive back to Tallahassee airport for my trip home. We got to the airport and said our goodbyes, and I waited for my flight to Charlotte.

We landed in Charlotte, I looked at my boarding pass and...you guessed it, I had to make ANOTHER mad dash across the terminal, from gate E19 to gate C4, to catch my connecting flight home! This time I only had *15 MINUTES*. Again I barely made it and arrived out of breath.

After my flight landed in Raleigh, I took the shuttle back to the hotel, retrieved my car, and met Jessica and Andrew at Cracker Barrel for lunch. Driving home, due to the effects of lost sleep and the Dramamine, I got so sleepy I had to stop for coffee and take 2 5-minute breaks. Once I got to New Bern I picked up Emma from Lynne’s house and finally...I was home sweet home.

Reflections
Life is a constant learning opportunity, and on this trip, I learned to overcome little mishaps and to appreciate the blessings of good friends, new friends, new places, and new adventures. My fear of flying was also lessened somewhat.

Several other lessons learned on this trip: 1) Pack lighter, 2) DON’T overindulge in alcohol when traveling, and 3) NEVER forget Dramamine, ever again!

Oh and one more thing...as much as it hurts me to say it, I may be turned off of vanilla martinis forever.

What I Want

A man I care for very deeply asked me recently, "What do you want?"  I'm not sure why he was asking this question, but after thinking about it, I found my answer.

What do I want?  It’s simple really.   

I want to love and to be loved.

I want a text or a phone call from him during the day that says “Thinking of you and hoping your day is going well.”

I want a back or shoulder rub that doesn’t lead to other things.

I want kisses on my forehead.

I want to snuggle up on the couch with him when it’s cold, or to watch a movie.

I want him to introduce me like this: “This is my lady.”

I want his reassuring hand on my back when we’re out in public.

I want to hold hands in public.

I want to travel and share new adventures with him.

I want to lie on the beach in summer with him and look up at the stars and listen to the ocean. 

I want to share the full moon reflected on the river with him.

I want to create a great meal together and enjoy it, just the 2 of us, with a good bottle of wine.

I want to dance the night away with him.  He's such a great dancer.

I want sympathy and chicken soup when I’m sick.

I want him to go to church with me, and I with him.

I want him to fix things, to open jars for me, to take charge when my car is acting up.

I want to share laughter, tears, good times, bad times, joyous things, mundane things…LIFE.

I want his love, his faithfulness, his trust.

And I want to give him all of these things in return.

What I DON’T want or need: expensive jewelry, fancy dinners out, flowers (although an occasional rose would be nice), a big house….no.  I don’t want these things.  Just him.

I want genuine love shared by two people that grows with the passing years and anchors itself in their two hearts so that they can’t see themselves with anyone else, ever.  

That’s what I want.

And I want it with him.

Week 4 Update

My apologies for not posting before now.  Somehow life just gets in the way sometimes...lots been going on.

The good news is I have lost 8 pounds.  That's 2 pounds average per week for the month of January.  Awesome!!!  It is such a great feeling to see that scale going down down down!

Eating-wise, I'm really not doing anything special, other than making better choices and watching the portions.  AND staying away from the Coca Cola!  I had a total of 2, count 'em 2, Sprite Zeros in January.  Considering I used to drink Coke every single day, that's a major improvement.  My sister turned me on to this great little product called Snapple Sticks...I get the lemon tea flavor.  You can get a box of 6 pre-packaged singles to go for $1.00 at Walmart.  Mix one up in a bottle of water and voila!  SO much better than soda!  Of course I'm still constantly struggling to drink my ration of water a day.

I have started attending yoga classes at Courts Plus.  I did try Zumba, but I think I'll stick with yoga for a while, at least until I've lost a little more weight and gained more strength.  Zumba was tough on me and I had to take frequent breaks because my hip was bothering me so much.  I love yoga and the way it makes me feel.

So...I'm just keeping on keeping on...2 more pounds and it will be time to celebrate the first 10 lost!

Onward!

Week 1 Update

Well, week 1 has come and gone.  It's been sort of a slow week progress-wise.  I backslid Friday and Saturday.  Despite the backsliding though, I lost 2 pounds last week.

I have had 0 Cokes (THAT has been tough!).  I did have a diet Sprite on Tuesday. Doing just okay in the water-drinking department...mostly it's been iced tea, green tea and coffee.  Need to step up the water drinking more.  

Eating-wise, I am not counting calories.  What I am conscious of is portion sizes and making better choices in what I do eat.  I haven't had one bite of fast food in the last week.  Wait, I take that back...on Saturday I had my normal breakfast at McDonald's with my sister.  But I made better choices...instead of a sausage biscuit, I had an Egg McMuffin, but without the cheese and Canadian bacon.  Skipped the apple pie and the soda, and had the usual coffee with the sandwich.

I worked late 2 nights in a row last week and so I did not get to the gym for yoga classes.  Will try and do better this week.

Since I have a lot of weight to lose, I'm going to approach it in 10-pound increments.  Each 10-pound loss will be a celebration!

Onward!

It's a brand new year, and with it comes a brand new me!

The dawn of a new year always holds the promise of a clean slate, starting over, positive changes, etc.  I have decided that this is the year I improve my physical well-being in a number of ways.

The most obvious change I need to make is to lose some weight.  I refuse to use the word "diet", because diets don't work.  What's the point of "dieting" when once a person has hit their goal weight, that person goes right back to what he/she was doing before and the weight comes back?  I prefer to use the term "get healthier", which encompasses diet, exercise, quality sleep and positive thinking.  My simple plan is to eat healthier foods, watch portions and stay away as much as possible from the obvious bad-for-you stuff. 

This morning I joined Courts Plus.  One of the challenges I face is that in addition to being overweight, I have lived a pretty sedentary lifestyle for several years now, and the years have been affecting my body for quite some time.  So as much as I love to dance and would like to join a Zumba class, that's going to have to wait a little while.  To that end, I intend to start out with yoga classes and gain strength and flexibility.  More changes coming: 

• I have ordered a sit-stand workstation kit for my office that will allow me to raise my computer at my desk to enable me to stand while working.  Since 90% of my work is done on computer, I feel this will help start the process of reversing the damaging sit-all-day habit.
• I intend to purchase a ball office chair in order to gain core strength and improve my posture.  

Does this mean that I will be using these tools every single day all day on the job?  Not at first, no.  But I hope as I gain strength and lose weight, using these tools will become routine.  As it is, I feel it's a great place to start.

I am realistic enough to know I do face several challenges in the coming year: 

• Diet - I confess I have a MAJOR sugar jones.  I love all things sweet.  I'm also totally addicted to Coca Cola.  I have to train my taste buds to like healthier sweets, like fruit, and to find a healthier alternative to Coke that I enjoy as much.

• Exercise - I have arthritis in pretty much every joint in my body and I also have lower back issues, and I get winded just going up and down the stairs at work.  This is why I believe yoga is my best bet to start off with in getting more fit.  Later on I will hopefully be able to add Zumba and a light course of machines.

I'm sick and tired of not being able to do the things I want to do - clean my house without taking a half-dozen breaks because of my back, go shopping with my sister without having to sit down a half-dozen times, having little energy to just have fun and to be more active.  This is not about vanity (well, maybe it is a little); it's about becoming a better me, the best I can be.

I will be posting weekly updates as I take this journey.  I will need encouragement my friends, so don't hesitate to follow my progress and to chime in with tips and helpful advice!
  

A Shingles Chronicle

Well, the axe has dropped. I have contracted the dreaded shingles rash.

I've heard about this ailment for years...the pain and the misery it can cause...and always prayed I'd never be unfortunate enough to contract it. And now it's happened.

I shouldn't be surprised....my mother has had it and so has my sister. Anyone who has had chicken pox can contract shingles later in life, I've read, but having chicken pox as a child doesn't necessarily mean a person will contract shingles. I just happen to fall into the unlucky category. Some folks I've heard have had this twice. I can't imagine going through this misery more than once.

So....this blog will chronicle my battle with this insidious, painful and debilitating condition. My hope is that writing about it will help me deal with it in a constructive way so that my body can begin to heal itself.

First signs:
Last Tuesday, 2/15, I noticed an area around my left hip and upper thigh was very sensitive to the touch, as if the nerves were hyper-sensitive. Although I didn't think much of it at the time... just chalked it up to one of my body's weird quirks, of which there are quite a few...in hindsight this was the first sign something was amiss.

Wednesday, 2/16: pain began in my left hip and left lower back area, and got progressively worse as the week went on. By Friday, 2/18, I was pretty uncomfortable and not sleeping well, relying on 4 ibuprofens every 4 hours just to keep the pain at a tolerable level. I went out with friends for dinner and the theatre on Friday night and was not my usual sparkly self, but tried to make the best of it.

Saturday, 2/17: Woke up several times during the night, totally miserable. Aching, sharp shooting pains, some stinging pains on the left hip and left lower back area. I'm thinking it's maybe nerve-related, maybe the lumbar nerve as I've had trouble with sciatica before. I've decided that I will go to Urgent Care today.

Later: Went to Urgent Care. Doctor took a hip x-ray and urine sample to rule out arthritis/bursitis in the hip and a kidney problem. Diagnosis: inflamed lumbar nerve. BUT: Doc did ask if I'd had a rash, and at this point I had not. He told me if a rash developed to get right back in to see them. Doctor prescribed prednisone and Tramadol with Acetiminophen for pain. Got the scripts filled, went home and took the meds and promptly slept the afternoon away.

Sunday: Still no rash, but lots of pain. Pain meds work great when paired with the prednisone, not so much on their own. Keeping an eagle eye out for rash all day.

Sunday evening: Pain very bad, and there...yep, right there...is the first sign of red bumps, in 2 areas. Great. Looks like it's probably shingles. Very bad night Sunday night...severe pain, can't get comfortable, pain meds not working at all. Don't get any sleep at all Sunday night into Monday morning.

Monday, 2/21: Called my supervisor and told her what's going on and that I will be visiting the doctor's office today to rule out shingles (but I'm pretty sure that's what's happening), so probably will not be into work today.

Later (and henceforth Monday will be Day 1): Another trip to Urgent Care, and after 3 hours (2 of it waiting to be called back and be seen), the diagnosis is official: Shingles. Doctor prescribes an anti-viral med and something stronger for pain, oxycodone (generic Percocet). I've never had that before and hope that it will help the pain without making me sick. So I go home, have some lunch and call work and give them the official diagnosis and that I will be out at least Monday and probably Tuesday as well, we'll just have to wait and see how I feel and how this all progresses. Later: picked up meds and took the first dose of anti-viral and oxy, and then I went to bed and slept most of the rest of the afternoon.

Monday evening: learned from my supervisor that the company owners would prefer I stay home for a while until this thing starts to get better. Who knows how long that will be? So I'm home until further notice.

Overnight: slept pretty well, but had to get up twice in the night to take pain med. Second time I got up around 5, pain was pretty bad and I went ahead and took the prednisone along with the oxy. Slept like a baby after that until Emma woke me up at 7:45.

Day 2: Rash is worse and spreading. Pain is manageable as long as I take the pain meds on a regular basis. Appetite pretty much unaffected. Itching has started and one of the first things the doc told me was DO NOT SCRATCH as scratching will make the sores worse and possibly lead to infection. Oh great...that's all I need. Have gotten lots of get-well and sympathy posts from friends on Facebook and the SI Message Board. Nice to know that one has sympathetic friends when sick.

Evening: Just finished dinner. One thing's for sure - my appetite hasn't been affected by this at ALL! At least if I have to suffer I could lose a few pounds while I'm at it!

Interesting how my body is dealing with this. I touch the skin on the side that's affected, and it's almost as if I received a shot of Novocaine. The skin is slightly numb, which makes sense as this is a virus that affects the nerves in the skin. It's a strange sensation - the rash is sort of a burning itch.

The dogs know something's up too. For one thing their routine has been disrupted because their Mom's at home and sleeping a lot. So far they're showing it by restlessness and clinginess. Wish I could explain it to them...

Supervisor called and said the bosses had educated themselves on shingles and so now I'm no longer considered to be Typhoid Mary. So I'm going to be allowed to go in and work half days for the rest of the week to see how it goes - it will be nice as I will avoid using up all my sick leave and too much work piling up.

So...after dinner settles I'm going to take a nice soaking bath to see if I can get some relief from the rash discomfort. We'll see how it goes...

Day 3: Bath felt great last night and brought some much-needed relief. I just threw in a handful of cornstarch in some bath water and soaked for about 10 minutes. I hate baths so 10 minutes was all I could manage, but it did help to soothe the rash.

Got up again twice in the night to take pain med...second time the rash was really burning and so I took my prednisone along with the oxy. As usual, slept like a baby after that and I'm still groggy.

Rash is really burning today. The best way I can describe it is a burning itch and the rash feels like a raw burn. We'll see what today brings. I have no idea what I'm going to wear to work today...

Later: Very bad day today. Went to work for 4 hours and was stressed to the max....came home and wept like a baby. Also felt like I wanted to scream my head off. Why hasn't my sister called me and asked how I am? Why didn't my co-workers show more sympathy? I'm experiencing MAJOR symptoms of depression and I don't know if it's a result of the illness or the prednisone. I hate this. HATE it.

I know now that it was a mistake to try and go in today. I should have just listened to my instincts and stayed out the entire week. Stress on top of stress on top of stress. And then my supervisor made it sound like I was the one who insisted on going in! SHE was the one who said work was piling up, maybe I could come in and work a few hours and see how it went, etc. etc. I couldn't believe it! I'm not happy about what's being done about my work area either and that's just adding to the stress level.

Later in the evening: Just took an oatmeal bath. Amazing how when I'm in the water, there is no itching, no burning, no pain...no nothing. It is pure bliss. Just wish I could wrap myself in that water 24/7. I also drowned my sorrows in a hot fudge sundae tonight. I decided to be good to myself after this horrible day and consume that ice cream with a completely guilt-free conscience and a glad heart. Did I enjoy it? Hell yes!

Day 4: Made the decision to stay home for the rest of the week. Called my supervisor and informed her of such and then went back to bed. Rest rest rest is the order of the day and for the next 3 days. Rest as much as possible. I'm very fortunate I have my mom to take care of me and look after the dogs.

Had to get up 3 times during the night last night to take meds - twice for pain, once for itching. Doc said I could take Benedryl for itching if I needed it, and boy did I need it last night. Just finished lunch and taking lunch meds about an hour ago and will head back to sleep soon.

Later: easy sleeping day today. Not much change in the rash...it's still not weeping. Mom says her blisters never did break...they just dried up after a week. And though the doc says that each patient is different, I'm devoutly hoping that's what happens in my case.

Something else became apparent today: Mom's not feeling well. She's coughing, stuffy and has a sore throat. :(

Something on the back of my mind and I'm trying not to stress about it...what happens if I'm no better on Monday, when I have no more sick leave and I have to go back to work? Guess I'll have to wait until Sunday to see how I feel and then talk to my supervisor and get her input.

Day 5: Didn't sleep all that well last night...had to get up several times to take meds, either for pain or itching.

Looked at the rash closely in the mirror last night...it seems that the rash may be getting better. I still feel pain, though, the type of pain I felt in the very beginning before the rash developed. Doesn't it seem that that type of pain would be gone by now? Lord have mercy...who knows. One can't go by other people because this illness takes its own course with each sufferer. And the itch!! My God! Sometimes it feels like I could take the top of my skin off, although I do NOT scratch.

Anyway...have a call into my doctor's office to discuss the course of treatment and to see if there is anything we can do topically to make me more comfortable so that I can get back to work. I only have one or two more days of anti-viral and oxycodone left and after that I'll be at the mercy of this damned illness. The thought terrifies me. Will update after I've talked to them.

5:00: Just spoke to my doctor, who told me 2 things: 1) the fact that I haven't developed blisters by this stage of the game means I most likely won't, and 2) there is a patch, called the Lidoderm patch, that is specifically made for shingles sufferers. It's a $60 copay with insurance, but it will allow me to return to work on Monday relatively pain- and discomfort-free, so it is well worth the price. I was most relieved to hear about the non-development of the blisters, which is what I was most dreading.

Dr. D also said that there would be no medical need to refill either the anti-viral med or the oxycodone, as the anti-viral is already in my system and will be doing its work for a while after I actually finish the pills, and the patch will take care of pain, itching and burning. Until then, I can continue to use the colloidal oatmeal bath and also put calamine lotion on the rash.

I feel the corner has been turned.

Day 6: Another night of getting up several times to take pain meds. And not feeling as well today as I did yesterday. Although the rash is drying up, I have a feeling I'm experiencing postherpetic neuralgia, which is why getting the Lidoderm patch is a good thing. I'm also experiencing more fatigue today than yesterday. *sigh*

Later: Not a good day at all. Experiencing a lot of nerve pain and just feel blah...went to dinner at Lynne's and could barely get through it, I felt so bad. Came home and watched a little t.v. and went to bed around 10. Pain...could not sleep. Had to get up in the middle of the night and take oxy and again at around 6:00. With the oxy I could finally get some relief and get some sleep.

Bottom line: The rash is fading and no longer itches, but I'm definitely experiencing post-shingles pain. I wish I had another week to recover at home, but I don't. Not looking forward to this week at all.

Day 7: Sunday, and feeling pretty good. Did some light housekeeping. Not a bad day.

Day 8: Monday, and back at work. Had a pretty good day until about 2:00, when pain forced me to go home. Came home Monday and took pain meds and went straight to bed. A very bad day pain-wise.

Day 9: Tuesday and I went back to the Doctor's. Doc prescribed more oxycodone and told me that if I needed pain meds, I'd get pain meds. He was wonderful. Went to work and had a pretty productive day for the rest of the day, and went home at 5:00.

Day 10: Made a bad mistake by taking 2 oxycodones on an empty stomach at 3:00 in the morning. Woke up dizzy and nauseated, and pain started in earnest. Wound up staying home on Wednesday. Started a regimen of taking pain meds on a schedule of every 4 hours around the clock.

Day 11: It's Thursday, and I worked all day for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I think the new regimen of scheduled pain meds every 4 hours is keeping the pain under control and at tolerable levels. I certainly feel better than I've felt since this whole thing started, and I had a productive day at work. I don't want to say I've turned the corner because I've been burned by that before, but I do feel that the pain is under control. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Day 14 - 2 week mark: A quiet Sunday morning, and I've just eaten breakfast and taken my pain med. Haven't posted in a couple of days because frankly, I haven't felt like it. This illness is wearing me down, in more ways than one. It's hanging on and hanging on, and the one thing that's worrying me above all else is - will my life be the same after it's gone? Or will I suffer after-effects for years to come? Not just from the shingles, but from the oxycodone.

One of the side-effects of oxy is taste changes, and finally I can put a finger on what's been bugging me. Nothing tastes the same, when I do have an appetite. For instance - coffee. I LOVE coffee. Not being a morning person, it's one of the more pleasurable aspects of getting up in the morning...enjoying that first cup of fresh brew. But now...coffee tastes funny to me, as if it had been flavored with nutmeg. That's the only way I know how to describe it. And other things taste weird too...ate some vegetable soup last night that didn't taste good to me at all, despite the fact that I was hungry. It just tasted...weird. I'm devoutly hoping this will go away once I stop taking the oxy for pain.

I'm also sleeping...a LOT. Seems when I'm not hurting, I'm sleeping. I like to think it's because of the pain med, but who knows at this point?

I'm sick of this crap. I just want my damned life back.

Day 22: Yes, that's right. Day 22. It's been over a week since I last posted, but I think....I think....that I can say that I may have finally turned the corner. I haven't had to get up and take pain meds in the middle of the night since the wee hours of last Wednesday morning, I can call what I'm feeling now "discomfort" rather than actual "pain", and the discomfort is being controlled with regular doses of ibuprofen. Fatigue is still present to some extent, but not as bad. The bad day I had on Wednesday may have been the last gasp. The rash is still present, but fading rapidly. I do still have itching however. That, rather than pain, is what's most uncomfortable right now. But....what is significant, for me anyway, is that I made it through a full work week last week, with its challenges and deadlines, without having to go home due to feeling bad.

This weekend I really needed to clean my house. I tried to pace myself and rest. When the day was done, I could tell that I'm still not well.

But...I'm getting there, slowly but surely. Maybe it's too soon for a hallelujah, but maybe a huge grin is definitely in order.

We are family

We are the Shibaholics, brought together online by a shared enchantment with 6 darling little Shiba Inu puppies, our affection for their owners and the Shiba Inu breed, and our love for animals and a desire to make the world a better place for them.

It all started back in October 2008, when a San Francisco couple set up a live streaming web cam to keep an eye on their Shiba Inu Kika and her first litter of puppies while the couple was at work. Most of us had never heard of the Shiba Inu, a Japanese breed of dog originally bred for hunting. They are similar to Akitas, but much smaller, comparable in size to a beagle. A few people told a few people about the cam, and a few more told a few more, and pretty soon the “Shiba Inu Puppy Cam” went viral. People in over 74 countries tuned in daily to watch the puppies and their adorable antics. Thousands of people would sit at any one time at their computer monitors and watch the puppies sleeping, eating, playing, tearing up pee pads, interacting with their mother and owners, and generally doing what puppies do.

We watched the puppies grow, and we all had our favorites. We watched as on a couple of occasions real life drama unfolded before our eyes, such as the time one of the little females, Ayumi, became trapped inside the crate set up inside the puppy pen and her brother, Aki, literally climbed up the side of the cage in an effort to rescue her, and another time when Ayumi’s collar became trapped in her mouth and she could not eat or drink. The comments section lit up with alarmed viewers warning the couple watching from work, alerting the Mrs. into making a trip home to rescue Ayumi from that frightening and distressing situation. And we cried, as one by one all of the puppies, except for little Ayumi, went to their permanent homes.

It wasn’t just the puppies we became enchanted with. We developed a sincere and heartfelt affection for their owners, two wonderful people who taught us by example that love, patience and socialization are the most effective ways to raise happy healthy puppies. They were very careful in choosing who would become their pups' permanent owners, which shows in the obvious happiness and healthiness of the pups a year later. The couple remains anonymous to this day, and we respect their desire to do so. Since we don’t know their names, they have became known to us by several nicknames….Mr. and Mrs. SF Shiba, Mr. Feet and Mrs. Shoes (since we never saw their faces, only saw them from the knees down), Papa Shiba and Mrs. Mary Janes (from the shoes she became known for wearing). We loved them for the way they interacted with the puppies and their mother, with their other Shibas and their cat Mina, for Mr. Shiba’s unique way of greeting the puppies at the end of the day- “Hiiiiiii puppies!!!!” or “Boing!!” (describing the way the exuberant puppies would greet him), Mrs. Shiba’s sweet gentle ways and her giggles. We loved them for their incredible generosity in allowing thousands of strangers into their home to view the puppies and their interaction with them.

And out of that experience, the “Shiba Nation”, aka the “Shibaholics”, was born. And here we remain, a year later, still tuning in to the cam daily, which the SF Shibas have generously kept running for us Shibaholics, to watch the antics of the now-grown puppy the couple kept, Ayumi, her mother Kika, and the other adult Shibas in the household, male Haru and female Yuuki. And we now are bonding ever closer on the message board set up by Mr. Shiba so that we can stay in touch and discuss other topics as well. We have become a community, caring about each other, supporting each other during loss of pets, sickness or life’s rough patches, laughing together, even occasionally squabbling. We cherish our bond, and logging onto the puppy cam site and/or the message board is now a daily practice for many of us.

Recently, I had the incredible privilege of meeting some of my fellow Shibaholics at the National Shiba Club of America’s annual dog show in Clemmons, NC. To say it was magical and unforgettable is an understatement. We went, very conscious of the fact that we were representing our fellow Shibaholics who could not be there, and that we were by our very presence honoring Mr. and Mrs. SF Shiba and what they and the Shiba breed had come to mean to us. We weren’t quite sure how we would be received by the other folks attending - owners, handlers and judges; after all, none of us own Shibas and most of us had never heard of the breed before the advent of the puppy cam! Would we be viewed as eccentric obsessed fans or “groupies”? As it turned out, we needn’t have worried. We could not have felt more welcomed or appreciated by all who were there in an official capacity. The owners and handlers allowed us to coo, hold, pet and generally gush over their Shibas, as many of us had never seen a Shiba in person before.

As Mr. Shiba is a responsible owner and breeder and has repeatedly pointed out, the Shiba Inu breed is not for everyone. They are high-energy, must be confined in a fenced-in area or leashed at all times, shed copiously on a regular basis, and must be socialized from an early age to sights, sounds and different kinds of people. In short, they require much work on the part of owners. Yes, they are adorable as puppies, intelligent and affectionate as adults if raised properly, but sadly many wind up in shelters because of uneducated people who were charmed by their cuddliness as puppies and were unaware of the commitment it takes to raise a Shiba. As in all breeds of dogs, please do research before adopting or purchasing a Shiba. And DO NOT BUY FROM PET STORES OR ONLINE!!!! These dogs almost always come from puppy mills. If you are interested in a Shiba, or any breed, research reliable and responsible breeders. Or better yet, contact the many rescue organizations around the country. There are so many loving, beautiful and deserving animals in these organizations waiting and hoping for loving and permanent homes. And please remember that bringing an animal into your home is a lifetime commitment for that animal. Consider it as carefully as you would consider having a child, because that is what the responsibility and commitment of adopting or purchasing an animal amounts to: another child in your home.

I will always treasure the weekend in Clemmons, becoming more familiar with the Shiba Inu breed and meeting some of my fellow Shibaholics. Meanwhile, we continue to stay in touch via the Internet, hoping to meet again at another event, and tune in daily to watch Ayumi, Kika, Haru,Yuuki, Mr. Feet and Mrs. Shoes interact in the zen-like and peaceful atmosphere of the puppy room under the watchful eye of the cam. And dream of the next litter.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiba_Inu_Puppy_Cam


http://sirra.shibas.org/shibaholics.html

Start spreading the news....

New York. The Big Apple. Gotham. The City That Never Sleeps.

I had never been there in my 54 years on this earth, and neither had my 76-year-old Mom. When my sister Lynne and niece Jessica returned from their mother-daughter trip to NYC in January of this year, Sis immediately began talking about a return trip, only this time it would be a family trip and Mom, my 11-year-old nephew Benjamin and I would come along.

It was, in a word, incredible.

Friday:
Our flight took off from Raleigh, on time, at 8:55 a.m. I’m a nervous flyer but have learned to deal with my anxiety by practicing deep yoga breathing while mentally picturing myself in the mountains (happy place!), and popping a 5 mg Valium. We arrived at LaGuardia exactly 56 minutes later. I can’t speak for Benjamin, but coming in over New York was an awe-inspiring sight for 2 small-town ladies who’d never been anywhere near a city this big.

Our first stop was our hotel. Not long after checking in and parking our luggage, we were on the sidewalk, ready to explore. Sis and I had discussed a wheelchair for Mom, but in the end Lynne decided to go with a motorized scooter, which turned out to be both a blessing and sometimes a curse. So we took off down the sidewalk, Mom on her Scooteround and us walking. And walking. And walking. I don’t know how many blocks we walked, but for this overweight, out-of-shape, middle-aged woman it was quite taxing, but I gamely went on, trying to ignore the pain in my back, legs, knees and feet and enjoy the city, the experience, the sights and sounds.

We saw: Radio City Music Hall
NBC News Studio
Rockefeller Center
Lots of street vendors

We went in: The NBC Store
St. Patrick’s Cathedral
Grand Central Station

We stopped for lunch at Ellen’s Starlight Diner, a retro-themed restaurant known for its singing wait staff. The servers would literally entertain the diners by singing karaoke show tunes and popular songs, and they were all very good. Our server, like most of them, was an adorable and talented Broadway hopeful waiting for her big break.

Mercifully we decided to take the subway back to our hotel. Our first New York subway ride! It was a challenge finding wheelchair-accessible stations, getting the Scooteround through the turnstiles and getting it on the subway, but we managed.

Dinner was at a place called John’s Pizzeria on W. 44th Street near Times Square. Now I know why New York pizza is known as the best in the world.

After dinner we hit a cute little theater shop next door and bought some souvenirs, and then headed to Times Square to soak in the sights and sounds of this famous landmark. We took a bunch of pictures and hailed a cab back to our hotel, and after a long and exciting, exhausting, exhilarating day, I went out like a light bulb as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Saturday:
Breakfast at the hotel, and then a morning of shopping at Macy’s and H&M. Macy’s was fabulous and the sales staff could not have been more helpful and friendly. I spent too much money, but had a blast.

Then it was on to Liberty Island to tour the Statue of Liberty. But first we were forced to endure The Bus Ride From Hell. We took the bus instead of the subway for 2 reasons – it was easier to get the Scooteround onto a bus with the lift ramp thingy, and it being the weekend we were concerned that we couldn’t get close enough to where we needed to go. Lesson learned: NEVER take a bus from midtown Manhattan to Battery Park on a holiday weekend, especially if a) you’re pressed for time, and b) you’ve had no lunch and are prone to motion sickness. YEEECCCHHHHH. Stop start stop start lurch swerve…..ugh. We were on that bus for 45 minutes. I was chatting with a charming lady who had been a NY resident for 45 years. She told me she’d been taking the city bus regularly for years and that this was the longest bus ride she’d ever experienced. We had reservations for the ferry and tickets to the Statue and were stressing out thinking we were going to miss everything. We managed to make it…barely.

Seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time was a very emotional and moving experience. She is an awesome, majestic, inspiring sight. One of the best things about New York is the diversity of cultures and ethnicities represented there, in both the population and visitors. One can imagine immigrants from all over the globe coming to America for the first time, gazing at the statue and taking to heart the inspiration behind the words: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” We had just enough time to make it back to our hotel, change clothes, and head out to dinner at a great little place called Sweet Emily’s (where we were fortunate to be served by an absolutely darling waiter, another Southerner, recent New York transplant and Broadway hopeful) and Wicked at the Gershwin Theater.

My parents, sister and I were involved with community theatre for many years, as was Jessica. We have acted on the stage, built scenery, done hair and makeup, and served on boards. I have seen good and bad amateur and semi-professional theatre, and always wanted to see a Broadway show. I’m here to say that Wicked lived up to and even surpassed my expectations. It was absolutely incredible. Words do not do it justice. It literally has to be experienced to be appreciated. I will say that NOTHING compares to professional theatre.

Sunday:
Breakfast at McDonald’s just down from our hotel, and then it was on to the gigantic outdoor flea market in Hell’s Kitchen. Mom decided to sit this one out and it was just Sis, Jessica, Benjamin and me. Unbelievable bargains and a fun experience. After that we stopped at Bloomingdales and FAO Schwartz, where I went into absolute raptures over the vintage Barbie collection. We went back to the hotel to pick up Mom and then took the subway to downtown Manhattan to visit Ground Zero and the World Trade Center Tribute Museum.

The Tribute Museum was established and commissioned by the families of the victims of the attacks. It is dignified, understated and deeply moving. Many visitors were wiping their eyes as they moved slowly and quietly through the exhibits. There are plenty of artifacts on display, but the most emotional experience is the room that features a wall of the names of the victims, and on another 2 walls of this room are floor-to-ceiling glass cases containing pictures of those who were lost, along with a few mementos donated by families. The primary feeling one gets in walking though the museum, besides sadness, is reverence.

After we left the World Trade Center site, we stopped off at a great little deli and had lunch. Then it was time to head back to our hotel to check out. We took the hotel transport back to the airport. Once again our flight left right on time, and arrived in Raleigh at 9:15 p.m.

Contrary to certain myths common in the South, New Yorkers are NOT rude, pushy or arrogant. Quite the opposite. Everyone we met, whether they were native New Yorkers, had lived there for many years, or who'd only been there briefly, was kind, considerate, friendly and helpful, whether at the hotel, on the street, on the subway, on the bus, the cabbies, or in the stores. My mother, who is naturally warm and friendly and does not know a stranger, made friends with and charmed everyone she came into contact with. She also handled that Scooteround like a pro!

My sister organized our trip with Jessica's help, and was incredible in planning our activities, our restaurants, our transportation (should we take the bus, the subway or a cab?) and making the most efficient use of the time we had. Without her we would have just wondered around dazed and lost.

And finally, Lynne and Jessica made this trip financially possible for my Mom. Like most seniors, Mom is retired and doesn’t have much discretionary income to use for trips like this. Between the 2 of them Sis and Jessica paid for Mom's entire trip, including her meals. I will be grateful to them for the rest of my days for making this happen for her. And for me, the best part of the trip was sharing it all with the people I love most in the world.

I love you, New York!! I want to go back. And I will go back. I’m already making plans for my next trip. Until next time, Big Apple...I’ll see you in the spring!!!

Hilton Head and Dreams of Happiness Fulfilled

This past weekend I took a trip to Hilton Head Island, SC to attend a close friend's wedding. Despite facing a 7-hour drive to and from, I'm so glad I went, for many reasons.

Over Thanksgiving of 2006, I spend 4 days with my friend, "Jane", in Hilton Head. There were a couple of things that stood out in my mind during my stay there.

First, I was impressed by the way the developers of the island were very careful to incorporate the natural surroundings into every aspect of the design. Driving along the main highway on the island, all the shops, malls, restaurants, resorts, convenience stores, etc., are set back off of the highway, into the trees. Many times one has to actively look to find what one is looking for. You won't see metal stop signs or directional signs in many places, either. They are made of wood. Having lived on the Outer Banks of NC for 14 years, I can't help but compare Hilton Head to the honky-tonk beach atmosphere of the Nags Head/Kill Devil Hills/Kitty Hawk beaches.

The second thing that struck me was the people. "Jane" is a very outgoing, gregarious, loving person. She does not know a stranger and when you meet her for the first time, she treats you as if you were already a friend. Everyone I know loves her. When I was there in 2006, I remember thinking, "Now I know why she loves it here so much, and why she's so happy here." The people on Hilton Head know how to have fun and live life to the fullest. Everyone I met, in 2006 and again this past weekend, was friendly, outgoing, laughing and loving. While there this past weekend I stayed with "Judy", a friend of Jane's, who I'd never met. Judy made me feel welcome and she and I became fast friends. I love the people of Hilton Head.

When I learned that Jane was marrying her boyfriend, "Tom", I said a prayer of thanks, and determined that no matter what, I was going to be there. Without divulging too much personal information in a public forum, the story of Jane and Tom's romance is a unique one. Until recently, theirs was an up-and-down, roller coaster relationship that began 4 years ago. She knew she loved him, and he professed to love her, but he was extremely hesitant about committing. Both are mature adults (over 40), and while she had been married before, he never made it to the altar. I happened to be there when they began dating, and was there with her through the rough times when she despaired of ever being in a committed relationship with the man she loved. I remember saying to her once, "Someday he will wake up and realize what a treasure he has in you, you wait and see."

This past weekend, along with a multitude of friends and family, I was privileged to witness the union of these 2 wonderful people, together at last, despite the bumps along the road. During the ceremony, when Jane was saying her vows, I became unexpectedly emotional, and the tears started to flow. I love this woman like a sister, and the love and happiness I heard in her voice overwhelmed me. But what struck me the most was the happiness I saw on Tom's face and the love I heard in his voice. No one could doubt his love for and commitment to his bride.

Sometimes love is kind, and God has a plan whether we humans can see it or not. We just have to be patient and wait for His plan to unfold.

"Jane" and "Tom", God bless you on your new life together. Take care and love each other to the fullest, and always cherish each other. I love you both!